| Writer's Block: A Few of the Challenges I Face |
[Jul. 12th, 2009|08:59 am] |
Well, there's Gavin's dad. He's not completely in the way, but come August 26th, he will be in the way full force. I'm currently in the process of getting full custody of Gavin and not allowing Roy to have him at all. I worry constantly about him doing something stupid when he gets out, like trying to take Gavin and run. I'm trying to do everything I can to avoid that. We moved and haven't told any of his family or him where we live, so we have that going for us.
Roy's family is in the way. They just won't leave us alone. They defend Roy to the death for no good reason, because he's slime and they know it. I'm sick to goddamn death of them always acting like they're better off than I am because they can run their bills up and dodge the law and get away with it, so they live boundary-free in a dingy trailer park with too many kids and not enough rooms, barely able to keep a constant flow of money between switching from one job to the next with no concern about how it's affecting their kids. They never have money to pay their bills, but that's okay, because they live off state funds and mooch off other people, yet they always seem to have money to buy new name brand clothes and the latest technology for their home and offer to buy Gavin and me whatever we may need. Anyway, as soon as they get away from us, we'll be good.
I'm in the process of getting my degree for Forensic Science and becoming a crime scene investigator. I graduate in a year and a half and I can't wait.
Otherwise, I'm well on my way to my ideal lifestyle. I want to be a crime scene investigator, living drama-free with my boyfriend (who will propose eventually, hopefully) and my son. That's all I really want in life. Good job, good family, good times. Not really so much to wish for.
|
|
|
| It's Been a Long Time, I shouldn't Have Left You Without a Dope Beat To Step To... |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|02:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gwen Stefani - Bubble Pop Electric | ] |
So... It's been quite a while. Let me sum things up real fast for you.
- Roy and I broke up. He didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I moped for 3 months.
- Gavin turns one in August! :)
- I turn 19 in August!
- I still work at Wawa. Things are good there. I was promoted to the Store Trainer. Go me. :)
I think that's really all the important stuff... Oh, wait! I forgot a very important thing!
I'm dating someone! Yay! He's super sweet. His name is John. There's a whole story behind our dating... It has to do with my aunt, my mom, and fritz, and them all wanting me to get over Roy. And it backfiring in the best way I could've imagined. I don't think any of them thought we'd actually get together. Hell... I didn't think we'd actually get together. He was one of those guys that I wouldn't really allow myself to think I could be with. Too good to be true, ya know?
Anyway, he came down last weekend and spent the night for a sleepover Omi and I held for Ashley's birthday. On the way home to have the party, he ended up naked in the front seat of my brand new car. Talk about starting the night off right. ;)
Anyway. So, he stayed the night, and we all slept in the livingroom, and we watched movies and ate junk food and gained about 178596423 pounds each. Great fun. When I took him home, he held my hand. -swoon- So cute.
Then, just last night, I went up to Philly to see him, and we went to South Street. We had dinner at a Chinese place, and we talked through dinner. Then we went walking around South Street. Stopped at a few stores.. talked some more. It was a great night. I couldn't have left happier. It was just a great night.
I got to see Candace this past weekend, which was great. I missed her so much. I luff her oodles. It was just so nice to get to see all my old friends and to hang out with them... I missed them so much.
So... I got a new car. Well.. not new but, you know what i mean. It's a '94 Chrysler Concord... it's HUGE. I can barely park it. But it's very nice. And it's actually mine...
You all are probably wondering the actual details about roy and me. Well... Here's the low down. Roy broke up with me in February with the excuse that he didn't want the relationship, because he wasn't in love with me anymore, or some bullshit relative to that. Then, two weeks later, he has another girlfriend. So, really, he's a lying sack of shit... End o' story. We went to court for child support and custody. And he basically ruined both, but waited until we got in the room to change his mind. Which is fucked up... He is fucked up. So, he sees Gavin two days out of 14. I have Gavin the other 12 days, which is 6 times more than he has him. But that's okay. I don't think he's ready to be a real father still. He's still got so much growing up to do. It was hell the first few months after he broke up with me. A lot of controversy between he and I and his girlfriend. Just a bunch of bullshit he didn't feel the need to rectify. So, whatever. I only have to tolerate him. Which is more than enough for me.
I think that's really everything. I don't lead a very eventful life. I could go on and on about John, but he might read this and then I'll be in trouble. ;) So... away I go. Perhaps I'll update a little more often from now on. We shall see.
Peace easy lemon squeezees
-Lola. |
|
|
| I'm A Mommy! |
[Aug. 24th, 2004|11:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Elvis Presley - Stuck on You | ] |
For those of you not on the up-to-date train, I had my baby on the 19th. After being in the hospital for two days of monitoring my blood pressure and other various things, they decided to induce labor.
9 AM Thursday: The doctor came in to tell me that my protein levels had jumped from about 600 to about 9000. (That's not good news.) So he told me they were going to induce labor and everything.
10:30 AM: They wheel me into the birthing room to get all settled in for the trip and all. They get me all hooked up to my blood pressure machine... No IV yet, because I don't have a hand to hold. So they said they'd wait for Roy to get there.
10:45 AM: Roy gets there. The nurse gets the IV machine and other equipment. After she gets my IV in, and after I've almost passed out from fear, the blood pressure machine goes off and takes a totally wicked rate of about 166/101. So the nurse says she won't count it. She then proceeds to let me know that if I have to pee, I have to let her know, because I have to have a catheter. ...I really hate doctor Hartmann right about now.
10:50 AM: The Magnesium Sulfate hooked up to my IV starts to kick in and I get really tired, but I don't wanna go to sleep, because doctors are unpredictable with needles and whatnot. So I force myself to stay awake and talk to Roy for a little bit while my mom shows up.
11:45 AM: They hook up the Potossin to start my contractions... I don't feel anything. So, they slowly up the doses for a while.
12:30 PM: They tell me I'm not allowed to color because it's a stimulant and will get me all weird or something. I am angry.
4:30 PM: They decide to break my water because I'm still not feeling my contractions or anything. By now I have the catheter and am very uncomfortable and angry. So they measure me, 3 cm dilated, and break my water. Boy oh boy.
4:45 PM: I start to feel my contractions. Roy starts to panic. I get good drugs and sleep for a while. I don't remember a whole lot after this part, because of the drugs...
I know at about 6:45, Omi finished coloring a very humorous picture of Rabbit trying to pull a carrot out of the ground that he's standing on, so he's making a funny face. She captioned it: 6:43 PM 8/19/04 Lola is in labor. This is what she looks like.
I also know that I told everyone to stop whispering, because it was annoying. And I told the nurse I didn't feel like rolling onto my side when she asked me to. That made my mom laugh.
I guess at about 9 I was 9 cm dilated.
At about 9:15, I woke up and wanted to push, so they brought the doctor in and 5000 other people (Neonatal Team). The doctor says to wait a few more contractions to push, so I do. I only remember two, but Roy says I waited four. And the pushing begins.
One Push....
Doctor says to wait for another contraction.
Contraction... Push... Baby's head.
Relax for a second.
Next Contraction... Good good push... Rest of baby.
Mom is impressed.
Roy cries. Doctor cuts the cord. They clean up my baby. Weigh him. 5 lbs 12.5 ozs. Snot suck him, but on his little hat, wrap him up and let me hold him for a few minutes before they whisk him away to Intensive Care. I tell him to give the doctors hell and that I'll see him later. Kisses goodbye.
I have never been so proud of anything as I am my baby.
They had him on his breathing tube for 3 days. Yesterday they finally took it out, and just gave him little nose prong oxygen providers. Today, Roy called the hospital, and he's starting milk. Soon he'll be home with me and Roy where he belongs. I can't wait to hold him again...
I'm glad so many people showed up to the hospital that night. Even though they weren't allowed in the room, it showed they cared and were there to support me, and I'm very thankful to everyone. Especially mom, roy, omi, roy's mom, and dad. I know my dad wasn't there the whole time, because he had to work that night, but while he was there, he made sure I knew that he'd "take care" of any lippy doctors.
I'm so glad Roy and my mom were there the whole time holding my hands. I couldn't have asked for a better coaching team... Except for Roy shaking so bad he was shaking me. But that's understandable. He was scared... a lot. But he did so great through the labor, and before the labor, even, while I was just in the hospital. And even though Mom couldn't be there after the baby was born, because the nurse kicked her out, I know she really wanted to stay.
So, thank you to everyone who showed up during and after delivery. I appreciate it a whole lot... More than you'll ever know.
Roy, I love you so much. I wouldn't trade you and Gavin for anything in the whole world. Thank you so much for being there with me the whole time, even while I whined at you. I love you.
Lola. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2004|01:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Angry and Hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Trick Pony - Now Would Be The Time | ] |
I've had more than enough of this.
If you don't like me. Tell me to my face.
If you don't wanna tell me to my face, don't talk about me when I'm not around like I won't know it.
And if you don't like me, don't bash me behind my back thinking I won't find out, then come and ask me for favors or act like you're my friend like you never said a thing.
Because you did say a lot things. And every single thing hurt.
And I'm glad you can hurt someone so close to you and be okay with yourself. Because, I hope you know that this is all you have, and if you choose to fuck it up, you did it to yourself. And then, you can have nothing. Then you'll really have something to bitch about, won't you? But you know what? There'll be no one to listen. So I hope you can make good friends with the walls.
I don't do shit to be mean. I don't do shit to grate on your nerves. I don't say things behind your back, and I would expect the same from you. Apparently, I expected a little more of you than you're capable of.
Next time you think you've got it so bad, or I'm such a pain in your ass, think about how it would be if I weren't here. Find out how bad it can really be. |
|
|
| "Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about..." |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|06:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kelly Clarkson - Low | ] |
Everything seems so perfect...
So perfect, that when something goes wrong, I get scared that it'll all crumble...
Anyway...
I graduated last night. Not as many people showed up as I had hoped would... Dave didn't come... I had hoped that he would come, but he didn't. And I wanted to cry. At least most of the important people were there. Mom, dad, Mark, Omi, and Roy. Roy's family couldn't make it, because they wouldn't let them in. It's okay though... At least they tried. They left me flowers on the doorstep with a card. My mom cried... She pulled me out of the recessing line to cry on me... And, so I cried too. And my dad got it on camera. It was a good night though. I got a pretty good applause for my name... I was excited. I'm glad I actually made it. It was a tough year. Tough, tough year...
So... this baby is coming up quick. Sometimes I feel like I'm nowhere near prepared to have it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have it at all... And maybe I shouldn't. But I am. And I can only do the best I can for it. And hopefully that's good enough.
Race weekend is this weekend. I can see this being the end of my Wawa career. I have no tolerance for stupidity...
I love Roy so much. Lately, he's been so sweet and I love it. Just little things he does... Like when he woke me up this morning. He just crawled into my bed, and kissed my forehead. And when I'm tired, he just holds me until I fall asleep. I love the way he holds me. It feels so perfect. When he's not around, I feel so empty. There are days when I would give anything to just lay with him... Just to know that he's there. It makes everything better. He makes everything better...
Lola. |
|
|
| "I Only Made You Half a Sandwich, Because I Don't Like You That Much..." |
[Apr. 8th, 2004|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Queen - We Are The Champions | ] |
Today, my cat is sick. I don't know what's wrong with her. Doug told me she'll get through because his cat did that same thing for three and now she's better. I hope she gets better... I really do. That's my baby...
I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st this month. I get another Ultrasound of the baby. I also have to get blood drawn tomorrow morning. I hate needles. I also work tomorrow. And I work through the rest of my Spring Break.
There's this guy that comes into my work a lot now. He came in for the first time about 3 weeks ago. I don't think he's from here, because he mentioned something about his ID being at the hotel (I carded him for cigarettes)... Anyway. He came in today, and I waited on him in my line. When he got to the register, he looked at me, and kinda leaned over the counter and said "Do you have a sister that works here?" And I was really very confused, so I said "No." And he said "Oh wait. You're her." ??? He said "You look different..." and I was like "Oh... Hah. Makeup. I wasn't wearing it last time you were here." and he said "Well your eyes don't look any different." He came in twice the first time he came in. He came in in the afternoon, then came in later that night. He's a little scary...
I know when Roy reads this, he's going to start flipping out with jealousy. So, before you do so, honey, just remember whose child I'm harboring. I wouldn't leave you for anything other than something out of my control... Like death. But aside from death, nothing and nobody is taking me from you. So, don't worry. I still love you more than anything.
That's all. I hope everone has a good Easter. I'm supposed to be the Easter Bunny at Wawa. :) Hah. That should be funny. bye!
I Love You Roy.
Lola. |
|
|
| "There's Magic In The Web Of It..." |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|06:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  touched | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody | ] |
I went to the doctor's today...
We heard the baby's heartbeat, and it was absolutely adorable. The baby's heartbeat is normal- 150 bpm. Roy looked like he was on the verge of tears when he heard it, and it was so cute. I love seeing him like that when we hear stuff about the baby. I like knowing he's excited about the baby. It makes me happy.
Anyway... That's really all I had to say. So I'll be leaving now.
Bye!
Lola. |
|
|
| "Reputation is an idle and most false imposition..." |
[Mar. 13th, 2004|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alanis Morissette - Right Through You | ] |
I miss who I used to be. That person I was before I grew up. The one that didn't worry about everything.
The one Roy fell in love with.
I don't know what happened to her. I'm sorry I'm not her anymore. I wish I could be.
Tomorrow is my anniversary. But I'll be working through it again. Like always. I work five days next week. I think sometimes jobs forget you have a life other than work. I don't really need to work five days a week. Four was sufficient and the occasional three was nice. It's not my fault they don't know how to hire people. This is all I do anymore. School and work. I'm lucky if I can sleep anymore, and I don't eat much. I have too much stuff to do all the time. Projects in school, stuff at home. I don't see Roy for long anymore either. I think I need to drop my job. Or request that I work no more than 4 days, because I don't care if they're shorthanded. That's not my fault. They're the idiots that put all the people on third shift, not me. And third shift closes three out of the 7 nights.
I don't feel so good. I might not stay at work all tonight.
I'm sick of feeling like I owe those people something. When, in fact, they owe me something for picking up their slack. I think I'm going to request off next weekend. See how they like that. Jerks.
I went to have blood taken the other day. We all know how I'm afraid of needles and everything. Well, the lady pulls out 7 tubes, and I'm like "What are those for?" She says "You!" And so I almost started crying. Everytime she changed one of the tubes, she shoved the needle further into my arm. I was about an inch from crying. It sucked.
Anyway. I'll be leaving now.
I love you, Roy.
Lola. |
|
|
| "Adam and Eve live down the street from me. Babylon is every town..." |
[Feb. 29th, 2004|01:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Live- Where Fishes Go | ] |
I stole this quiz thingy. I went to the doctor's on wednesday and got an ultrasound picture of the baby. We have thus named it Lima Bean for the time being.
____BODY iLLS + SKiLLS
013. do you bite your nails : I did, then I stopped, and now I only do when I'm nervous.
014. can you roll your tongue : Si! Gracias.
016. can you raise one eyebrow at a time : Yes I can. But only my left one.
017. can you blow smoke rings: If I smoked I might be able to.
018. can you blow spit bubbles : Pfft. Since I was born.
019. can you cross your eyes : Yes. But it hurts sometimes.
020. colored hair : Unfortunately. Never again though.
021. tattoos and where : One. On the back of my right shoulder.
022. piercing and where : 3. two in one ear. one in the other.
023. do you make your bed daily : Hah. No. But it kinda stays made. I don't move much in my sleep.
024. what goes on first bra or underwear : Uundaa-Pants!
025. which shoe goes on first : Whichever I grab first in the morning
036. speaking of shoes, have you thrown one at someone : It's my main method of defense
037. how much money is usually in your wallet? My wallet is really a change purse. and it has 11 cents in it.
038. what jewelry do you wear 24/7 : My ear-tings.
039. whats sexiest on a guy : Eyes.
040. whats sexiest on a girl : Head shape. Really.
041. would you rather be on time and look ok or late and look great : Depends on who I'm trying to impress.
042. do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it : When I eat it, twirl.
043. how many cereals are in your cabinet : How many times can I count my fingers?
044. what utensils do you use eating pizza : You're supposed to use utensils?
045. do you cook : When I'm really hungry
____GROOMiNG
046. how often do you brush your teeth : I try to get in twice a day. But some days it's just too hard. So, on average, once a day.
047. how often do you shower/bathe : Everynight. But I don't wash my hair every night. Otherwise it gets all dry and icky.
048. how long do these showers last : the shower itself lasts about 10 minutes. I'm in the bathroom for a total of about 20.
049. hair drying method : Brush back when wet. Sleep. Brush again in the morning. Shake head for part.
050. do you paint your nails : I don't have enough nails to paint.
051. do you swear : Occasionally.
052. do you mumble to yourself : Occasionally.
053. do you spit in public : Ew. Saliva.
054. do you pee in the shower : I hold it till I get out.
___THiS & THAT
055. in the cd player: I cannot list all the cd's in my cd player. For there are too many and I forget which ones are actually in there.
056. person you talk most on the phone with : Roy.
057. what color is your bedroom : Wood-flavored.
058. do you use an alarm clock : Yes. It's an aromatherapy alarm clock.
059. name one thing or person you're obsessed with: Penguins
060. have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex : Nah. I've never skinny-dipped period.
061. ever sunbathed in the nude: nnnno.
062. window seat or aisle : Windows! Yay!
063. whats your sleeping position: On one of my sides. I have mad hip problems though.
064. what kind of bed do you like : The ones I can sleep on. And the high up ones.
065. in hot weather do you use a blanket : Just a sheet.
067. do you sleepwalk : No... I can't. That requires me to get out of bed asleep, and that would not be graceful.
068. do you talk in your sleep : I talk coherently when I'm troubled. But never in just normal sleep.
069. do you sleep with a stuffed animal : They take up more than half of my bed
070. how about the light on : I have a nightlight. I fear the dark.
071. do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on : Neither. Just a fan and my light.
____WHEN WAS THE LAST TiME YOU
072. had sex : I don't wanna talk about it.
073. were kissed or kissed someone : About 10 minutes ago.
074. watched bambi : That movie made me cry once. Never again, Bambi!
075. cried : Last night. Because I'm an emotional wreck.
076. talked on the phone : This morning.
077. read a book : ABout a week or so ago.
078. punched someone : I haven't been very violent lately.
____MUSiC
079. is music important to you : It is my life.
080. do you sing? : I'm in a constant state of singing
081. what instruments do you play? : Guitar... kinda. Some drums. A little bass. and the Xylophone. Beat that!
___DO YOU LiKE
083. pop music : Not really
084. rock music : Yesh!
085. punk music : If I am in a drunken stupor.
086. rap music : Only the dumb ones. They usually have the best beat to make up for their stupidity.
087. hip-Hop/RB : Eh...
088. country : When I have to or am in the mood.
089. jazz : It's soothing
090. classical : More often than not.
091. techno : Only in Roy's car.
092. power violence : That is...?
093. grindcore : Same question...?
094. emo: Occasionally.
095. hardcore: Uhm... sure?
096. what is one band/singer you absolutely love that no one else does or seems to have heard about : I used to love Delirium Theory... Till they sold themselves to a new name. But I don't really know any bands no one else knows.
So, yeah. If you guys wanna see the picture of the ultrasound, get me on AIM: badtzmaru348 or yahoo: someoneyouknowandprobablydislike and I'll send it to you.
Peace Easy!!
-Lola. |
|
|
| Quick Entry |
[Jan. 29th, 2004|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Transplants - Diamonds and Guns | ] |
For those of you who don't know....
I'm having a baby.
Roy IS the father.
He is excited, and so am I.
If you have a problem with me having a baby... Then you're not really the supportive friend I thought you were, now, are you?
If you don't have a problem... I hope you're as excited as I am.
I hope it's a boy.
-Lola. |
|
|
| "My sister's eating paint chips again... Maybe that's why she's insane..." |
[Dec. 19th, 2003|03:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Flustered | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Third Eye Blind - Slow Motion | ] |
Christmas is 6 days away. And I still have much stuff to do, but I'm sitting on the computer typing... Amazing.
- Get out Christmas stuff. No... we haven't done it yet. we're slackers.
- Get the rest of my Christmas gifts... With the 60$ I have left to spend. :) Fun.
*Mark
*Dad
*Mom
*Roy
*Polyanna
Same as last time.
- I have to pay my car insurance around the 28th, 29th...
I don't really have much to talk about.
I feel as though I'm batting a zero in my relationship. I keep feeling like I'm always making him mad, or upset, or getting him in trouble. I hate it... It's frustrating. I feel like I want too much and don't give enough. I feel like all I ever do to him is complain and whine about how I have it so hard. And I feel like it's not fair to him. I feel... horrible. Absolutely terrible. I want to stop being so demanding. I want to stop complaining about everything to him. That's all he ever hears from me. Instead of telling him how much I love and cherish him, I whine at him. I feel like I'm not doing my part in this relationship. I feel like I don't deserve him. He spoils me. And I'm just so mean to him all the time. I hate it. I shouldn't be with him. It's not fair to him...
I need to get my act together.
Roy... No matter what... No matter how much I don't tell you, I will always love you. Through everything. I'm sorry I never seem to make it clear just how much I treasure you. But I do. I love you with every bit of me, and no matter what happens in the future, that will never change. And if I never say this again, you'll know it now, and I hope you remember it whenever you feel like I'm about to drive you over the edge. I love you with all my heart. Every last bit of it.
-Lola. |
|
|
| "If This is O N E Last time... Save me a g o o dbye. . ." |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|09:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard Confessional-ThePlacesYouHaveCometoFeartheMost | ] |
Mall. Sunday. December 7. 125.00$. On three Christmas gifts.
Thursday. December 11. 250$. New Cell Phone.
Tuesday. December 30. 495$. Car Insurance.
Can we say "Broke"?
I can. God, this month is killing me. My dad wants our insurance money BEFORE Christmas. I'm not thinking that's too good of an idea. I still have 5 people to shop for. Speaking of which. Let's go over our list, shall we?
People I've Bought For:
Taylor
Omi
Michelle
People I NEED to buy for:
Roy
Mark
Dad
Mom
Katisha
Amount of money I plan on spending on each person:
Roy: 10$
Mark: 15$
Dad: 20$ Max.
Mom: 20$ Max.
Katisha: 10$
Total: 75$.
Outrageous.
I need to not spend any money from now till Christmas. Except for on Christmas gifts and the like. Nothing for me. I spent 25$ on a new hat, and that's the end of that. I should've never bought that hat. That was bad. BAD.
But, things are good, I suppose.
School is school. I outrank almost every student there. So, whatever.
Work is getting irritating. I knew it would. I spend too much time there. Not enough time doing things that matter. Like schoolwork. By the time I get home, I'm beat. I just wanna lay down with Roy.
Speaking of. We're doing great. Cutest couple ever. :) Psych. But we are doing well. He's working. I'm working. Christmas is coming up. What's better than spending Christmas with your loved ones? Nothing
So, yeah. This was just a little bitty update. I think I'm done now.
Peace easy homies. :)
-Lola. |
|
|
| "If Time's Elimination, We've Got Nothing to Lose..." |
[Nov. 19th, 2003|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None. | ] |
It's been a wonderful day.
Let's start out with school.
It was a shortened day, so I went in at 10:15.
4th period: English was alright. I waltzed in late, so I missed half the class anyway. Don't care.
5th period: Lunch. was lunch. Like always. Just shorter.
6th period: Spanish. Had a test. Another perfect paper to add.
1st period: Art. Mr. Williams talked the whole period then whined that we got nothing done.
2nd Period: Chemistry. We took some notes. Not too bad. I started feeling less sick in that class.
3rd period: Economics. Sucked as usual. i hate that class.
7th period: we sat around and talked amongst ourselves. Good day in that class.
8th Period: Got my test back. 15/16. Not too shabby considering people that used their notes got worse grades than me. Geniuses.
anyway. i stayed after to help Ms. Keller with her bulletin board. It was fun...
Well. I went home, and my boyfriend was sitting on my couch, so I sat with him for a little bit. After that, I went to my pizza party at Wawa and that was okay. But when i got home, roy was no longer there, and that made me sad. So i waited. Then I called him and it turns out he threw a bering on the Jeep. and Gerry was fairly pissed, and Roy decided not to come back to my house. It was foreseen.
So, a few minutes ago, I get an IM from Jess's ex-boyfriend Anthony. Turns out, my ex-boyfriend is dead. I don't really care, but for some reason, I'm crying. I feel somewhat responsible. I dunno... I know it's not my fault, But I can't help it. He died on my anniversary. Creepy.
Anyway. So that was my day. I'm still crying. I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. It kinda hurts. But it's numb... Like when your foot's asleep. You can't really feel it, but you know it's gonna hurt when it wakes up.
It's waking up...
RIP Paul. Here's to all the good times we had a long time ago.
-Lola. |
|
|
| "I Don't Wanna Run Away, But I Can't Take It, I Don't Understand..." |
[Oct. 10th, 2003|10:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nightmare Before Christmas Music | ] |
I don't really have anything to talk about...
I just wanted to update.
School still sucks big time... BIG TIME!
So... yeah.
Art: This teacher needs to get his act together. I am SICK of him blowing up at me because the rest of the class doesn't know how to listen. SICK OF IT. He can BE a cool guy when he's not flipping his lid, but since he seems to be doing that more than anything, he's not very cool anymore. That used to be one of my favorite classes. Now I just really dislike it.
Chemistry: I talked with my teacher, Ms. Keller. And she's a lot nicer than she seems to be when she's in class. She seems slightly flustered in class. It turns out we both love Biology and hate all the mathematics of science. I was telling her about all the science courses I'm taking, and she told me I was funny. Always a good thing.
Economics: I'm pretty sure I still have a 12 in that class.
English: My 500 line Epic Poem is coming along nicely. 94 lines left to write on it. There are people with 4 people in their group that still only have 20 lines written. this poem is due in, what?, 4 days? Good luck with that.
Spanish: I'm slacking in Spanish. I've already learned all of this stuff twice. I'm getting bored in that class.
Astronomy: This is still my favorite class of them all. We ordered pizza on wednesday while we worked. What could be better? I love that class.
Geometry: This is the only math class I've ever not had a problem with. Really. You can't possibly fail this class. You just can't.
So, yeah. That's school.
Roy and I...
Well. Ever since the whole near-break-up thing, we've argued more. And I hate it. I hate arguing with him. I don't understand what was going through his mind, and I'm not sure I want to know. I really wish none of it ever happened. But since it did, I kind of wish he would have never told me. I would have been better off not knowing. But since he did tell me, I'm glad we were both strong enough to work through it. I'm still not sure I trust him completely, like before. But I do still trust him a lot. More than anyone else... But it feels like he kinda took something from me. I can't put my finger on it, but whatever it is, it's gonna take a while to get back. because it hurt when he took it. It just about killed me. Had he actually left, I'd probably still be sitting on the couch crying. No lie. I don't think I'd even be crying. I'd be lucky if I was breathing correctly... I would have been a vegetable. I'm glad he didn't leave, though. I'm really glad. And if I actually prayed to God, i'd thank him every night. But I'm sure God doesn't need to be trifled with my problems.
11 months in 4 days.
Wow.
Just wow.
I'm so very happy with him.
I can't wait to get out of here... I just can't wait.
Lola. |
|
|
| "You're tacky and I hate you." |
[Sep. 27th, 2003|01:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Linkin Park- Numb | ] |
Let me just say that this whole going to school thing in Dover had BETTER be worth it. This school has caused more stress than it's probably worth... I swear.
Here's my "schedule"... I think one of the only structural things there...:
Homeroom: GAY! We spend 30 minutes reading. and you HAVE to read. So, yeah. Apparently, last year, when they started this, the reading scores went DOWN, instead of up. Amazing. Truly. Amazing.
1st Period: Art 1. My teacher has become slightly less enthusiastic about EVERYTHING since I left for Mexico. Not exactly something you wanna come home to. I have a 76 in this class, because I turned in my make-up work the day after grades were do in, but I'm sure I'm doing much better now.
2nd Period: Chemisty. I. HATE. Chemistry. If there was ever a class where the rules contradicted themselves so much, it'd definitely be Chemistry. Without a doubt. I have a 36 in this class for missing make-up work and two quizzes I have yet to make up. But the grade'll go back up, I'm sure.
3rd Period: Economics. Apparently I need this class to graduate. I have a 12 in that class. Go me. All-Time Record Low Score. The teacher sucks. Most boring subject EVER. EVER!
4th Period: English. I like English. My teacher is a little weird. But she's cool. I have a 90 in that class. Forever my favorite subject.
5th Period: Lunch. Let's not go there.
6th Period: Spanish 3. Yes. Again. I'm in Spanish 3. My teacher is 3/4 deaf. Seriously. But she's way cool. Very nice. I have a 47 due to lack of make-up work and a quiz, but it'll definitely go up. :) Rock on.
7th Period: Astronomy. I love this class. I have a 92 in it, and I haven't done almost ANYTHING. We talk about drugs a lot. Nice class. Very nice. The teacher is AWESOME. I love her.
8th Period: Geometry. Now... Don't ask me how i managed this, but I have a 97 in this class. I haven't done ANY make-up work. and... Apparently I'm a pleasure to have in class. Because I've been there a whole, what?, two weeks? Whatever! Rock on. I hate math anyway.
So. Yeah. That's school.
Yay! Roy and I have come up with our Halloween costumes. :) We're gonna be Morticia and Gomez. Because we can so totally pull it off. Rock the hizzouse.
Wow. Ten and a half months. I love him so much. :) Happy Lola!
If you wanna see the pictures from the Trip, ask me. :) I'm uploading them and everything.
I'm out.
Lola. |
|
|
| Once I said I wanted you, and I remember why.... |
[Sep. 19th, 2003|04:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nickel Creek - Cuckoo's Nest | ] |
Okay... for everyone who read that entry... Please disregard. For once I was acting my gender, and I retract the previous journal entry. :)
All is very very well. And I am very very happy that it is so.
Yay for boyfriends!! :)
Lolar. |
|
|
| "Abomination...." "Stupid head...." |
[Sep. 5th, 2003|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Evanescence - Haunted | ] |
ALOHA!
No...
Wait...
Wrong greeting!
HOLA!
I'm going to MEXICO!
Be jealous... Oh yes. it's gonna be Me, Roy, Omi, Mark, Crystal, Mom, Dad, Grandmom and Pop-pop. Much excitement. Right now, I'm doing much laundry before the trip. :) So much excitement. I have to get my art teacher a bottle of Mexican Sand.... ?? Right. Whatever. If it'll get me an A... ya know. :)
Anyway... I wrote a kick-tush essay. I'm gonna post it here, and you guys can tell me your opinion, and how much you love/hate it. Have fun.
Would you say it’s ironic that they call Philadelphia the “City of Brotherly Love?” That every other day the city contradicts that such name by committing violent crimes such as rape and murder? It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? I suppose you could call it optimism. And that’s some strong optimism right there. But, to think, that someone could see any of the so-called “Brotherly Love” in that grotesquely vile city. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking… really wishful thinking. It’s kind of like me asking for a pony. You know the power of suggestion and all.
Coming from around the area, I can honestly say I don’t see any “Brotherly Love.” I see people pointing and laughing at me, because I dared to be different like I was told (thanks Mom.). I, also, don’t see any hope for the city, or humanity, or the world for that matter. In a world full of embedded hypocrisy and discrimination because of the color lipstick I wear, or the cross dangling around my neck completely contrasted by all the black I wear—there is no hope left. No nickname sweeter than candy, no wishful thinking stronger than the power of a speeding bullet could possibly change the fact that the world is going to crash and burn in the unholy wrath of our own idiocy and carelessness for the future.
I care about my future. I didn’t used to, but I do. I don’t know what changed my mind so abruptly, or why it did so. But all of a sudden I want to do something with my future, aside from letting it rot in front of the television. Or calling out to my boyfriend every five minutes “Come spend time with me or I’m gonna break every bone in your body and turn you into a lamp!” As much fun as that was. I think there’s a chance I could change the future. Not for everyone, though. I’m no Mother Teresa, believe me. But, just maybe for a few others and myself. Only last month, I had no desire whatsoever to attend college. I thought there was nothing there for me. I wanted to join the Air Force, thinking I could save the world from its own untimely suicide. And then it hit me like a cinder block to the head; Just as abrupt, and just as excruciatingly painful: I can’t save the world. I can only influence so many people in the span of my life. There’s only one way. Influence a small amount of people at a time. And let the power of suggestion take over. If I can prove that an education could quite possibly save the world to just 20 people, they could do the same. And it would spread like a wildfire. And I could help save the world from itself; from hypocrisy; from discrimination. Okay, so I’m not in this for everyone else. I’m in it for me. I want to save myself from all of the previously mentioned. I want to be a forensic scientist with blue and green hair and black lipstick. And I want everyone to accept that. I want everyone to know that just because my hair is different colors, and my clothes are black doesn’t mean I can’t have a dream, a hope, a goal, or a life other than the television and the Sunday comics. Not that I don’t like the Sunday Comics, because I do. But, if I can get people to accept that anyone can have goals, ambitions, and dreams, then maybe Philadelphia really can be the “City of Brotherly Love.” Maybe it’s not just wishful thinking. Maybe it’s someone’s goal.
Have fun with that... I'm out... See ya in a week!
Lola. |
|
|
| "It's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way..." |
[Aug. 17th, 2003|07:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Evanesence - Tourniquet | ] |
Hey!
Long time, No update-y. :)
What's up?
Oh wait. This is my journal. I tell YOU what's up with me. heh. Okay... In that case. Let's get started shall we?
Item Number 1: I'm 17! :) YAY! You all missed my birthday. Slackers. Roy took me to the mall and gave me a hundred dollars. I bought three things and lunch for both of us. Can I shop or what? I got two pairs of pants from hot topic, and a shirt from Gadzooks... Excitement? Oh you know it.
Item Number 2: Today is my birthday party... For those slackers who missed the actual birthday. :) It's movies and some barbecue baby. Oh yeah. And some cake and stuff... The usual birthday stuff. Fun day ahead of me. Fun day, indeed.
Item Number 3: We may be going on a cruise in September. Now. This is good and bad. Good because, you know, I loves me a cruise. And they're very fun. Bad because Roy might not be able to go. And I really don't want to go without him. that'd make for a horribly lonely cruise. I've done it thrice before and I think it'd be a lot better with Roy there... I hope if we go that he can come too.
Item Number 4: I graduate this year. Creepy, no? Well, I'm scared. that's for sure. I've got a lot to do this year. Prom, Graduation, School in general. Scary stuff.
Item Number 5: I wrote some new poems. Here they are:
-Ghost Ship-
Sail away
Leave her to drown
In the river of tears she cried
Sinking down
Drifting afar
Not again breathing
Calm on the outside
Inside she's screaming
Can't you hear her?
Calling for you
As closer to the river
Bottom she drew
Out of air
Everything's gone black
She needs your help
Please come back
Minutes fade
They turn into years
Her soul still lives on
In the river of tears
Her ghost found
And old sunken ship
Where with her she waits
For her love to come live
-Unrhetorical-
Why is it
You tell me you have to
Be up at 5
But I call at 6
And wake you up?
Why is it
This girl still calls you cell
Even though you told her
You're already taken?
Why is it
You're never home
When I call and
You're never here?
Why is it
I feel like this whole thing
Is just completely
Falling apart?
-LifeSaver-
I saw your head lean slightly in my direction
So I know you can hear me screaming
I saw your hand reach up for a rag
So I know you can see me bleeding
Why won't you help me?
Why won't you save me?
Throw me rope
Save me from falling
You know I'm afraid of the darkness
But you turned out the light
You know I can't take the pain
But your fists are raised to fight
Why won't you help me?
Why won't you save me?
Throw me a rope
Save me from falling
Don't pretend like I'm not here
You're killing me worse than I am
Save me from myself
I know you can hear me calling...
Why won't you help me?
Why won't you save me?
Throw me a rope
Save me from falling
Save me from falling
Okay... so that last one was a song. But I'm sure you guessed that. Can't pull the wool over your eyes. ;) So... I'm done now. Just thought I'd give you all the heads up and whatnot. :) byebye!
With one more year of Age,
Lola. |
|
|
| Fear me! For I am sin! |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|07:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mariah Carey-Joy to the World | ] |
eh.. I'm only posting for some poems I wrote. Been on a bit a roll lately. Enjoy!
-Let It Ring-
She left knowing
Something had gone bad
He didn't say 'I Love You'
And he never looked back
She called his phone
When he got done
The phone just rang and rang
But answer there came none
Thinking there was some bad news
On the other line
He ignored the stupid Reveille ring
Let it ring eight times
Thinking he no longer cared
She finally gave in
A good love rotted that night
Because someone let it ring
-Juliet's Story-
I want some answers
I want an explanation
Of why they chose to sentence me
To this unthinkable damnation
Everything's a double standard
It really seems unjust
To be torn away from my life
For all my world to rust
Where did I go wrong in life?
I though I was doing great
But for all I guess I haven't done
There's an audacious price to pay
And the loneliness I endure now
Is brutally hellacious
But what my life has come down to
Is ever more outrageous
So I take my leave in solemn silence
I hope they can forgive
But they took my love away from me
There's no reason left to live
-Hero-
I awoke in a river of sweat
Like the tears of a thousand lost souls
And screamed with such a power
One that no man could behold
I came to the realization
That it was but a mere dream
But the images I witnessed
Tore me apart at the seams
There was no blood, or guts, or gore
There were no severed heads
In it it was just you can me
And this is the part I dread
As I sat there next to you
It was all so clear to see
That you were dead just lying there
You'd given your life for me
There they are... Have fun with them
Lolar. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lolabrat's journal
quixotic